Schnitzel Match Report – December 2011


Merry Schnitzel ‘n’ Titsmas to you all!!!! What a blurry eyed, slurry mouth festivity it is! I hope you’re all still alive and with us after a crazy Xmas season.

Schnitzel N Tits had a wild ol’ time in the lead- up to our Saviours big birthday bash. All the usual suspects were there. Lil’ Roscoe, our holiest of DJ’s. Our Babeliscious Barmaids, who brought wine and bread to our disciples. They washed away sins with an ointment known as “Wet Pussy’s” and performed gentle head massages with their mammary glands (an Israeli technique that goes back thousands of years).

The show itself was of Biblical proportions. Our Host was Miss Claws, aka Santa’s Ho Ho Ho. She primed the crowd to get them ready for what they were about to witness.

Well, I think that’s how a lot of the men were feeling after watching our 1st Burlesque performer, Lil’ Miss Ruby Q. A smoky Latin temptress, she dazzled the crowd with a slip of a pastie and a golden shower of beer to baptize all those around her.

Crossing over from the Heavens to perform one last time was none other than Amy Housewine. This whacked-out drug sponge showed us the evils of the demon drink. Trust me… It’s not pretty. Jet black, teased hair that highlights the missing teeth, bags under the eyes that could house a Vietnamese family… It was truly religious. The crowd took one look at her and said, “Jesus Christ!” After whaling a song about all the drugs she wants to take, Amy hit the crowd with her kamikaze act of getting to know the audience. No one is safe… you can run but you can’t hide and lets face it, we all love having the complete piss pulled out of us! Hallelujah!!!

More audience participation was on the way with “Twister with a Stripper”, a game the whole family can play! (Especially if you’re Tasmanian). Two Hotties and a Twister mat, a raffle won, and two eager souls ready to dive into a game that involves pleasures of the flesh. I will warn you, these girls have a huge competitive streak… and a need to rip their gear off at any given chance. They’re not shy at all as to where they “stick it”. The men fought bravely.

After a few more crowd activities we decided to unleash the final act… Mishka!

This wild cat will tear you apart then sit and purr in your ear. Massive studded boots encase her tight petite body. A whip in hand to subject you to your forty lashings… pants down, for all to see. Sexual manuveres that she must have learnt from a Ninja… at Jesus camp (just to keep the Bible theme). I’ve never seen so many faces blush the colour of Santa’s rosie cheeks. And, now you know why Santa is so jolly… He knows where all the naughty girls live.

We extend a special and warm thank you to our cameo appearences. The beautiful Kelly performing her sun bunny beach act and throwing a sensational pole dance in the middle of it. And, of course, to Jesus himself, who showed up on the final Schnitzel N Tits Xmas night to have a schnitzel and turn some water into wine with a group of his mates.

Happy New Year to you all! We hope to see you in 2012. Australia day is the next big one, so come crack a few coldies and look at some tits! Beaudy!!!